Have you ever been in a situation where your brain is flooded with ideas and words, yet you can’t even write a single letter or explain yourself? Well I have been in a similar situation since the last month. As this blog is something more than just an assignment to me, therefore I wanted it to be special. I had plethora of thoughts buzzing in my head yet nothing caught my eye. So while I was skimming for topics something just clicked and it was Me, Myself. Being a Pisces (based on zodiac signs), I always put aside myself and even the thought of highlighting myself. I mean I do give importance but I am not “My” priority. I am more of a sacrificing and submissive kind of person. But today I thought why not to give it a shot and just spill what I think, or what I have learned so far from life. Therefore, like we can find Rewind videos on Youtube by the end of each year, similarly I thought I should rewind my life too. You might not be interested to know but I am sure you’ll learn something beneficial.
Rewinding back 22 years, lots of other events took place, but something least special yet very special happened, I was born. UAE, particularly Umm-al-Quwain is the first place that I remember from childhood. Being the only child, I have been loved immensely but I was never a spoiled brat. In between 15 years, I travelled to Pakistan a number of times and so had a close bond with all the relatives back in here. Kindergarten was good, primary school was great and middle school was perfect. During those years life was all about waking up, getting ready, attending school, after school naps (mandatory in the long afternoon hours of hot summers), fun activates and games, dinner, adequate sleep and repeat. Life seemed flawless but as soon as I grew I understood that nothing is flawless, but there is nothing with flaws either. I mean that sounds confusing but if we focus, God has created everything in a certain way, in a perfect balance that at times things which appear to be flawed are somewhat flawless in some other way. That is when I started to learn that we are imperfectly perfect.
Teenage, a time period that feels like tornado. Being a teenager is swinging on a swing, back and forth. The first couple of times while swinging; one needs a little push, maybe even a lift but soon thereafter, they realize they can do this by themself. For me it was no change. Especially while travelling from place to place, meeting new people, exploring different cultures and environments, it was fun yet challenging. This was the time period where I learned to put others first, developed interest in cooking, arts and science. I was the kind of kid that usually Aunts use as a Touch-stone to evaluate their own child and later scold them for not meeting up to the “Merit”. I never felt proud of it though I mean I wanted to be a good, “mankind angel” kind of person but I never wanted anyone to be degraded because of me. I had a keen eye for minor details of the bigger pictures. I was pleased to develop this nature of caring and sharing but then I turned 18. That is when I learned to sacrifice.
Moving back to Pakistan due to financial and family issues and then later discovering that your own cousins aka your best friends were actually your sisters, is not easy to digest. On my 18th birthday I was surprised, I was made aware of the fact that the parents I live with, are actually my foster parents. Initially I was stunned, for sure an instinct reaction, but after a day or two I was even happier to know that I have been loved by not only 2 but actually 4 parents. I had complete freedom to choose what side of the family to live with, but I knew it wasn’t just about picking sides, I had to choose been love and materialism. Since my biological family have strong social roots and are financially very well off, many among the family suggested me to choose them as it was easy to maintain the lifestyle I had back in UAE over there. What more does a newly “turned 18” teenager wants? I choose my parents (foster ones) who have spent days and nights to provide me the best they could. That is when I learned the importance of Love and affection.
Time is like a river, we can’t touch the same water twice, similarly the days in Army College passed by and I was all set to move to South Africa for my Higher education. During that break I was gifted 3 books of Rumi and a novel called “Forty Rules of Love”. As I read often, I usually complete a book within a couple of days or maximum a week, but the case in this was different. They aren’t even lengthy yet it took me a couple of weeks to complete them as I reread various pages and wanted the words to sink in. I use to hear people saying that they were moved by a quote, a saying, any music, a verse or anything but I never thought even a book can have a huge impact on your life, your mental behavior and nature. Settling in Africa was adventurous. South Africa is enriched with lush greenery and huge water bodies. Being ambivert, I never found it difficult to blend with people and enjoy gatherings, but over there I felt lonely. I was kind of relaxed too as in Pakistan I had a busy circle, so being there helped me gain the “Me” time by taking quizzes like “ What type of Pizza I am” at 2 am. Soon I didn’t feel lonely, despite being lonely. That is when I learnt the difference between loneliness and solitude.
Forwarding a bit, me being in the National College of Arts and leaving University of Pretoria; it was a life time decision and here I prioritized the wish of my grandmother on hospital bed. I returned as soon as I could and spent the last 6 months of her life with peace. I am not flaunting or self-boasting but I genuinely found that spark of joy in her eyes when I used to comb her hair instead of her helper. Those 6 months are an everlasting treasure. That is when I learnt that the biggest loss in one’s life is the loss of death.
Art is therapeutic, and it did treat me well after her death. I joined NCA and got busy with the routine but little did I know it would just last for about 2 months only. We were all stuck; life seemed paused like never before. Since we were not able to go out frequent I thought to keep a check on my friends like I always do. But this time I even rang the ones who I yearly wished birthdays or festive greetings. To my surprise I found that our generation is so messed up and usually folks have no direction. We are stressed and burdened. Keeping this scenario in mind, I thought to do something that I would be doing if I wasn’t into architecture, and that is digging into human psychology. Meeting people from different continents on Discord (Via mutual friends) made me feel alive. Hearing various stories made me realized that how blessed we are. People have a sea of knowledge and emotions but they express too less. We live in a world of “instants” and “fast” actions, so I observed that we are losing grip on patience as we are so fond of quickness. That is when I learned our generation wants to be heard rather than advised.
Briefly, during this past few years, the knots of thoughts and questions slighted loosened up and I sort of got answers to many of them. We keep progressing and learn till our last breath but so far in these 22 years I learned that the meaning of life is hidden in the various layers of love. Let me clear, everyone have their own perspective but this is what I concluded from life. It seems pretty simple but it’s not. When usually a younger person talks about love people either consider it to be “Shonna babbu love” or pass compliments such as “Ye bas 4 din ki baat hai” or “Piyar se pait nahi bharta” but why do we consider love to be just this kind of love? I mean for me love is everything. It can’t be associated with just a single person; instead it has depth to it. I believe that patience is the most difficult virtue and if we begin to love everything no matter what, just like Sufis, we will automatically achieve it. Be like clay, to get molded into whatever mold the life molds you. In 22 years, that is what I learned.
